


Always Missing You

by fandommatchmaker19



Category: Station 19 (TV)
Genre: F/M, Fix-It, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Romance, post-16x01, post-2x15, vicley - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-01
Updated: 2019-10-01
Packaged: 2020-11-09 11:31:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20852732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fandommatchmaker19/pseuds/fandommatchmaker19
Summary: Victoria Hughes wakes up.Vic has a few realizations on a quiet night.Fix-It for 16x01. Not a Vic/Jackson fic.





	Always Missing You

**Author's Note:**

  * For [madnephelite](https://archiveofourown.org/users/madnephelite/gifts), [Megs1001](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Megs1001/gifts), [Hotgitay](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hotgitay/gifts), [Mangobutterfly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mangobutterfly/gifts).

> I was so frustrated after 16x01 because it was quite obvious Vic's character was OOC and this ship was being forced on us and we still miss Vicley so enjoy! This one is to do justice to Vicley ands Vic's character!  
Also, in my mind Noah is portrayed by Brett Tucker.

In the early hours of morning the outside world doesn’t exist. 

She can pretend that the man who has his arms draped across her middle is Lucas, can pretend he’s the one peppering kisses down her jaw and along her collarbone, can pretend that if she turns she’ll be in his arms and they’re Vic and Lucas once again. 

If she tries really hard, her mind will drift back to those mornings with Lucas, their feet tangled together, his fingers rubbing slow, lazy circles on her hips, her head resting in the crook of his neck, not a care in the world. 

But that’s not the real world, and it hits her like a ton of bricks this particular morning as she lies in bed next to Jackson. Jackson. They’d been together for just a little over a month. Vic liked him, she has to admit. But she wasn’t in love with him or anything and Jackson Avery, as dreamy as he is, is not Lucas Ripley. [Travis kept telling her she still lived in denial and was just pretending Lucas didn’t mean as much as he did, but Vic always pretended not to care. Truth was, Travis’ words got to her every time]. 

As always, whenever she’s alone and it’s quiet, her mind drifter to Lucas, the memories washing over her like slow, torturous dance. 

“Victoria Hughes, I love you.”

“Damn it, I love you, too.” 

“Eggy.” 

“It’s yes, Victoria. Of course it’s yes.”

“At least... I get to spend mine w- with you.” 

Vic feels like crying. She hasn’t cried for Lucas in a while. Pushing it away, pretending you don’t care, that he didn’t mean everything to you, it’s not okay, Vic

Vic glance at the bedside digital clock. 04:00. 

“Vic?” Jackson groans, his voice husky with sleep. Vic can feel tears prickle at her eyes. She doesn’t say anything. “What’s wrong?” he asks, turning to her. 

“I’m fine, Jackson. Go back to sleep,” she sighs, and she can feel a tear slide down her cheek. She feels Jackson shuffle closer and wipe it away with his thumb. 

“Hey, babe, why are you crying?” he asks gently. Babe. So casual, so bland, so normal. Lucas used to call her Eggy. It made her feel special. It always brought about a storm of butterflies in her stomach. Eggy. Vic sighs, though it sounds more like a sob. “What is it?” Jackson asks quietly, reaching to pull her closer. 

“I miss Lucas,” she says finally, shuddering. Jackson stills. 

“Lucas? Your boyfriend who died?” Jackson asks, his voice raspy. Vic doesn’t answer. “Oh. I thought... I thought you were moving on. That we were both moving on,” he says, rolling on his back. 

“Jackson...” she hesitates, wondering whether she should start this conversation now. “You just broke up with your girlfriend. Lucas died. We’re moving on- or trying to move on from different things,” she sighs. 

“I know, Vic. I know that,” Jackson says with sigh. “I just- where is all this coming from?” he turns to her then, surprise written all over his face. 

“I was just thinking about him,” she murmurs. “And, I just miss him...” she trails off, not sure what to say. 

“I miss Samuel, you know,” Jackson says quietly and Vic freezes. [She hates it when Jackson does that. Mentions Samuel. It makes her feel like losing Lucas doesn’t mean as much as Jackson losing Samuel does]. 

“I know. But, losing Lucas- missing him is different. You can’t compare losing a child and losing your fiancé. Lucas was my fiancé,” she tells him, her voice thick with emotion, propping herself on her elbow. Jackson flinches. “I loved him- I still do,” she says, her heart beating faster with the realization. 

“I thought... I thought it was time to move on...” 

“I thought so, too. But, I think- I think I was wrong. It’s only been two months since Lucas- since he died,” she can barely get the words out. “I don’t think I’m ready, Jackson, I can’t,” she says, taking a deep, shuddering breath before standing up. 

“What? Vic, c’mon, you guys were barely together for six months, you said so yourself- you can’t be sad forever-“

[Vic’s glad Jackson’s daughter, Harriet is with her mom because this is clearly turning into a fight]. 

“I know what I said!” she snaps as she goes to grab her duffel bag. [She hadn’t moved in with Jackson yet, so she stocked a duffel bag with clothes for overnight that were happening much too often]. 

“Where are you going?” Jackson asks, standing up with a sigh, but Vic doesn’t answer him, instead shoving her clothes into the duffel bag. “Vic, come on, it’s four a.m!” he exclaims, annoyed. 

“I know. I’m going to Travis’,” she says as she puts on a cardigan. 

“Travis’? He doesn’t even like me... Vic, I know it’s hard, losing someone you care about, but-“ 

“I lost the love of my life!” she cuts him off, her voice thick with emotion, tears ready to fall. “Lucas was the love of my life. And, he died. I prop- I proposed to him. I was ready to spend the rest of my life with him and then he died and I just-“ she cuts herself off with a sob as tears start streaming down her face. Jackson steps closer to her, reaching to comfort her, but she steps back. She doesn’t want Jackson, not right now. 

“I-“ Jackson cuts himself off, sighing, his hands falling at his sides. [It’s like he just gives up, like he surrenders as he watches her while she walks out of the bedroom and shoved her feet into her comfy UGGs]. “Vic, are you sure about this? It’s almost five a.m!” Jackson calls out after her, but Vic doesn’t care. She just needs to get out. 

“I have to go!” she snaps, turning to him, and she can see him flinch. “I can’t be here!” she half-yells, half-sobs before twisting the doorknob. 

“Let me- let me at least drive you!”

Vic ignores him and gets into her truck. 

She takes a deep shuddering breath as she inserts the keys and turns on the engine. And, then she starts to cry. 

She cries all the way to Travis’ and her eyes are puffy and red when he opens the door, immediately worried. 

“Vic?”

Vic chokes out a sob. 

“What’s wrong? It’s like five in the morning...” he trails off but steps aside to allow her to come in. “Is it... is it Jackson?” Travis asks as he pulls her along to the living room. Vic just sobs harder, and Travis turns to face her. “Vic?”

“I- I j- jjust miss Lucas...” she sobs, shuddering and Travis nods in understanding before wrapping his arms around her and hugging her tightly. 

“Shh, just let it out. Just let it out,” Travis mutters softly as he rubs her back gently. 

“I miss him so much...” she sobs, shuddering, clinging to Travis. 

* * *

She finds out she’s pregnant three days later when Travis practically forces her to pee on the stick. [Alas, he doesn’t, but he does buy her six test packs]. 

It’s positive. In her gut, she’d known it was positive. But, still, part of her had hoped it would be negative. She groans, dropping her chin to her chest. _ This cannot be happening. _ She lets out another ragged, shuddering breath, letting herself take a minute to breathe. _ Pull yourself together, Vic. _

She steps out of her bunk room only to find Travis standing in front of her, arms crossed across his chest, trying _ not _to look smug. 

“So?” 

“You were right,” she mutters. 

“What are you gonna do?” Travis asks her carefully. 

“I don’t know. I’ll figure it out,” she says curtly before leaving the locker area and heading to the Beanery. She goes about her day and does her best to ignore her best friend. 

[There’s a moment, a brief but fleeting moment when she stops to contemplate her situation. _ Pregnant _. And, she thinks, for just a second, to end it. Just do it. Without telling anyone except for Travis. He’s her person after all. But then, Travis would want to talk about this. Maybe Maya. She wouldn’t judge. Even if she’s in her bubble with Gibson. And, as she thinks about it, she delays doing it and ends up deciding not to do it, yet. Just pretend like nothing happened]. 

“Vic?” It’s Maya who interrupts her thoughts, entering the turnout room. “You okay?” [Maya probably knew about Vic breaking down because of Lucas. That, or she’d noticed how Vic had refused to go inside when they were dropping off a patient at Grey Sloan].

“Yeah, fine,” she shrugs. 

“Really? C’mon, you know you can tell me,” the blonde says gently. Vic sighs heavily in response. 

“I think Jackson and I are over-”

“Really? I thought… I thought you were trying to move on…” she trails off, sounding cautious. 

“Didn’t quite work out. Kind of impossible to move on from- I really, really miss Lucas. So much it hurts,” she says, her voice breaking. Maya shuffled closer to her and rests her hand on her shoulder. 

“Oh, Vic… I don’t know what to say, you know… we didn’t know you guys were in a relationship-”

“I don’t blame you for that, Maya,” Vic say softly. 

“I know. I just feel kind of bad because I don’t think any of us realized that there was something different about you until we were at the hospital and Miller and I realized you and Ripley were and item. And, Sullivan said you proposed to him. And, so many things just kind of made sense, but then he died and everything changed,” Maya tells her, her voice soft. “You know, even though you guys didn’t get married it doesn’t make your loss any less important. It shouldn’t.”

“Thanks, Maya. You know why I didn’t tell you... our jobs - his job, his entire career - were in jeopardy,” Vic says carefully, leaning against a shelf. 

“I get it,” Maya smiles softly at her. “So, what happened with Avery?” 

“I don’t know. I haven’t talked to him in days. I don’t want to. I just- I woke up one morning and all I could think about was how much I still miss Lucas. You know, even though I was trying to move on- trying to make it seem like Lucas and I weren’t such a big deal, I couldn’t stop thinking about him. How much I loved him. Love him,” she pauses, trying to keep herself together. “And, Jackson doesn’t get it. Maybe I went for him cause he was there- we were friends. Kind of. Not really, but you know… maybe I went for him cause I wanted to feel something. Cause all I felt was darkness. I was dark and I still am and I just wanted to feel something- something good for a bit. Jackson was good at that. But, long term I don’t think it was gonna work out…”

“Probably. I mean, it kinda didn’t even make sense. Travis just kind of told us all to go with it. That you’re grieving-” Vic half-chuckles, half-scoffs, rolling her eyes. 

“He kept trying to tell me that dating Jackson wasn’t a solution to missing Lucas, but I pretended not to listen to him,” she half grins. 

“Well, Travis does know what he’s talking about,” Maya smirks. 

“I’m pregnant,” Vic blurts, deciding not to beat around the bush, and Maya freezes before turning to face her, her blue eyes wide. 

“Oh…” she trails off, clearly at a loss for words. “Is it- is it Avery’s?” Vic looks down sadly. “Do you think it could be…” she trails off. 

“I’ve only been with- with Lucas, but then he died. And then it was Jackson. So it’s probably Jackson’s. And, I don’t know what to do…” she sighs heavily, her eyes drifting around the room, avoiding Maya’s. 

“Vic…” Maya says gently, reaching to pat her back. “It’s… it’s going to be okay. No matter what, it’ll be okay. We’ll be here for you, we’re family. Or, at least, I’ll be here for you no matter what anyone else says, okay?” Maya’s blue eyes are gentle as they meet hers, and Vic can feel her own eyes prickle with tears. 

“Thank you, Maya,” she says softly. And then, to her surprise Maya pulls her in for a hug, wrapping her arms tightly around her and Vic hugs her back, taking comfort in the blonde’s endless love and support.

* * *

It’s a week later when she finally lets Travis take her to Grey Sloan. [He’d made sure Jackson wouldn’t be around so she could go see an OB].

“Hi!” a beautiful Italian woman wearing pink scrubs greets her cheerfully. “I’m Dr. Deluca,” she introduces herself. [Deluca? Vic hadn’t known Deluca had a sister]. 

“Victoria Hughes. I’m a firefighter and I think I’m pregnant,” she says shakily, but Dr. Deluca doesn’t seem to mind. 

“Don’t worry about it! Everything will be okay,” she tells her as she leads her to an exam room, and Vic lays down. “The gel will be a bit cold,” she tells her, her voice thick with an Italian accent. Vic braces herself. 

It’s quiet as Dr. Deluca prods her abdomen gently before she pauses, blinking rapidly. 

“What is it?” Vic asks worriedly, her heartbeat racing. 

“You’re quite far along! Very far along,” Dr. Deluca says before glancing over at Vic. 

“How far along?”

“I would say about three months along. So, Victoria, who have you been with these past couple of months?” she asks her, her expression kind, open. 

“Um, I was in a serious relationship. About six months. He- my fiance died almost three months ago. And, then for the past month I was dating another guy,” she answers her honestly. 

“I am so sorry about your loss,” Dr. Deluca says gently. “I would probably say this baby is your fiance's baby, but you’ve been so stressed these past few months, you didn’t notice your symptoms. 

“H- how can I be sure? Who is the father, I mean?” she asks, heart beating rapidly in her chest. [She wishes Travis were here. Or Maya].

“If you’re telling the truth, no way this baby was conceived with your current bed friend- boyfriend I’m sorry,” she giggles. “The father has to be your fiance. But, I can do a DNA test to be sure even though it’s clear from how far along you are,” Dr. Deluca smiles gently at her and Vic exhales with both relief and a surge of emotion. And, then she cries. 

Lucas Christopher Hughes-Ripley Jr. is born on January 18, 2020. He’s eight and a half pounds of curly brown hair, caramel skin and the bluest eyes she’d ever seen and he’s hers. She’d almost died during the labor, she’s later told, and she wonders what those hallucinations had meant, that hand clasped in hers, Lucas’ gentle voice coaxing her gently. [She brushes it off as some whitelight dream, but still, a part of her can’t help but wonder]. 

Little Luke is all Lucas with a little bit of herself sprinkled here and there. But, Vic doesn’t care that she sees Lucas every time she looks at her son, cradling him carefully in her arms. She asks Travis to be godfather, of course she does. And, Maya is godmother. [Vic laughs when Bishop informs her, matter-of-factly, that she’s bad with children. Babies, especially. Vic doesn’t care; she’d seen her with the safe surrender baby]. 

Jennifer is thrilled and comes to stay with Vic, helping her with anything Vic might need, which isn’t much. 

Most nights, she loves it. She loves that she has a part of Lucas, she loves holding Luke Jr. in her arms. But, some nights, when Lucas is tired and grumpy and hungry and he’s crying non-stop, Vic stars crying too, sad and angry at the world for taking away the one person she really needed and always would.

* * *

_May 2025_

She still misses Lucas. Misses him like crazy. Still wakes up in the middle of the night, Luke’s small body pressed against hers, and thinks about Lucas Ripley, the love of her life. His name is tattooed on her wrist and their anniversary is written in cursive script on her hip. She still goes to the diner, with Luke Jr. nowadays, to have eggy thingies. Cam stil smiles sadly at her and there is a picture of her and Lucas smiling at each other in their booth pinned to a big billboard. 

It’s years later after Lucas died when she meets him. And, at first, she thinks she must be hallucinating or dreaming when she sees him. Tall, the wavy hair, though his is more light brown than blonde. When he turns to face her, a friendly smile on his face, she’s struck by how blue his eyes are. 

“L- Lucas?” she gasps, still stunned, still in limbo.

“Sorry!” he exclaims, his voice thick with an accent she can’t quite place her finger on. “I’m not Lucas,” he says kindly. 

“Sorry, I just thought…” she trails off, not knowing what to say. [_I thought you were my dead fiancé_ doesn’t sound that great]. “I thought you were someone else,” she settles on, instead.

“Well, whoever he is, he must be a lucky man. I’m Noah. Noah Davis. I’m a doctor here. Just started actually,” he grins at her, his blue eyes twinkling. Vic smiles a little. 

“Yeah, he was. I’m Victoria. Lieutenant Victoria Hughes. I’m a firefighter,” she tells him, and he stretches out his hand for her to shake. She takes his hand.

“Nice to meet you, Victoria,” he smiles at her. "Lieutenant Hughes."

“You too, Noah,” she smiles, feeling butterflies in her stomach for the first time in years. 

Noah Davis isn’t Lucas Ripley, but he has his own charms. He’s kind and brave and stubborn. He’s really fun to be around and he takes care of Luke Jr. every time Vic asks him to. And, he makes her happy. As happy as Lucas used to, but Vic knows he’d want her to be happy. She tells him all about Lucas and Lucas Jr. and Noah doesn’t bring it up again. But, every time Vic misses Lucas, he holds her and lets her cry over the man she’d loved and lost without a word. [And, Vic can’t thank him enough for it]. 

Noah Davis gives her a happy life, a good life. [The life she could have had with Lucas, but Vic tries not to dwell on that too much]. He takes care of her and challenges her. She stays Victoria Hughes at work because she would have been Victoria Ripley, or Hughes-Ripley and Noah is kind about it. 

Noah is there when she makes Captain, and Battalion Chief, and then Chief. He’s there when Lucas Jr. graduates the Fire Academy. He’s always there, and somehow that’s enough. 

Still, some nights she misses Lucas with an aching intensity and she knows she always will. Noah does too. 


End file.
